On My Mind//6

Maybe I'm addicted to the rush when our bodies intertwine,

In love with the feeling when your lips touch mine.

❤

Untitled

An empty room.

Just me, him, and a mattress on the floor.

He shuts the door.

Flicks off the light...

I feel his large, warm hand on my back

Guiding me toward the bed.

His voice whispers sweet words

As downstairs, I hear the voices and laughter of my friends -

Still drinking and partying.

I feel his hot breath on my neck.

He plays with my shirt.

Fingers touch skin,

Sending jolts of apprehension

And confusion

Through me.

Can I do this?

His lips draw close to mine.

She broke up with me. I'm free to do what I want.

I turn my head away at the last moment.

I could never live with myself.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

He pushes my hair from my face

And gently kisses my cheek.

Feels like the worst kind of betrayal.

I don't want to hurt her.

But I don't leave.

There is something comforting

In his strong arms around me.

Something reassuring

In being wanted badly enough that he stayed

And kept trying to seduce me.

I knew come morning,

This would be a regret.

But tonight,

It was what I needed.

Will I Always Eat This Way?

A friend of mine asked me that last week. I didn't know, I don't know. How could I? Today is today, I don't know what will come tomorrow. I don't know what I will want tomorrow.

Maybe there will suddenly be a disease that wipes out everything but potatoes, corn and wheat worldwide. Though ideally I wouldn't be eating those things, they would keep me alive. Perhaps, I'll find out I have some disease and need to eat calf liver in order to stay alive and get enough B-12. Maybe, I'll just decide I don't want to do it anymore.

Maybe I'll decide something else is healthier, that I would be better off eating otherwise. I thought my diet was the greatest back when I was just starting out eating 'healthy' - brown rice and organic beef and things. I thought I couldn't get a lot better when I was vegan. Then I went raw, and that was the best. And now I'm here. Who knows where I'll be tomorrow?

So yes; at this point, ideally, I like to think that I will always eat this way. But in reality, things and conditions and realities and beliefs change every day, and I realize that. We need to be fluid, always learning and changing. We can't be so sure of ourselves, that we are sure everything else is wrong. To insist upon being stubbornly immovable and closed to any other ideas, to any other options would not encourage improvement or advancement at all, and I never want to be that girl, that person.

So, maybe I will always feel exactly how I do now, that fruit is the optimal diet for humans and for the world, and will spend the rest of my life perusing this style of eating, this philosophy, and this lifestyle. I believe in it whole-heartedly today, and for today - that's good enough.

Yes, I Can Eat That.

I don't know about anyone else - maybe its just pride or something - but it's always kind of been a pet peeve of mine, when people say stuff like, "Can you eat that?" or, "This is cooked, you can't eat it."

I understand they're just trying to help, but really?

No. I can eat whatever I want. I've made a moral and rational choice to abstain from eating anything but fresh fruits. Much like you make the moral and reasonable choice to not hit your baby brother, or to knaw your own hand off. Is it that you can't do these things? No, you are perfectly capable. But you are aware that it would be a foolish and wrong thing to do, so you don't.

Not only that, but why do you feel need to remind me? I've been vegan since I was like 13. Raw since was 14, and fruitarian for almost half a year now. I'll remember, don't worry.

I think a lot of it for me is that I have an issue with being told what to do, with authority. And part of eating differently is a control thing for me. Like, I'm deciding what to eat and put into my body - when somebody tries to take that away from me, it frustrates me a little.

It's probably not entirely healthy too feel this way. But no more pointful than someone else spending their time worrying about my diet, which I happen to have totally under control. Thanks.

Haha.

Religion. Christianity?

Everybody talks about it, everybody has heard of it, everybody has their own opinions about it, their own views. It's kind of a crazy phenomenon. It's a wonderful thing, but somehow we manage to make it bad, evil, so easily. This is going to be a difficult post to tie together, because there are so many different aspects, so many different ways to look at religion, so many different things out there to be discussed, I couldn't possibly get across every one of my beliefs in this one post. But I'm sure as heck gonna try.

At its core, I love everything about the majority of religions. Love thy neighbor. Don't kill. Give to the poor. Don't let yourself be roped into believing your worth is in your possessions. It's wonderful, and the majority of them provide an excellent moral code.

I feel that the flaw with so many religions comes in the fact that it becomes so much about the religion. The physicality of it all. The way you worship. I don't think that is what religion is about. The flaws are in the ways people use their religion as an excuse to discriminate, or hate, do harm, or take part in impure actions.

As far as my religion, I dont know. I can't answer whether I even believe in a 'god': In my humble opinion, god is not a man in the sky, who judges people when they die, and sends them to heaven or hell. He is the manifestation, of the abstract idea of love, compassion, caring, reasoning, thinking, that our brains are capable of. Our conscience, our consciousness, our subconscious. Essentially, I believe that 'God'/gods are an abstract idea made physical, and therefore simplified and made easier to understand. If that makes sense.

I think that a lot of the things in Christianity are just abstract things that everybody experiences and goes through, made physical. The devil? Obviously, the constant struggle people go through with that animal part of their brain. The one that worries about only itself. Deamons? Negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences people deal with. Jealousy. Confusion. Hopelessness. Angels? Those things that keep you hanging on. The things that give you hope. Seeing somebody help a little old lady across the road. Seeing an old couple holding hands or sitting together on a bench. Sunsets.

Heaven and Hell? Picture this. You are dying. You look back on your life, just before you pass away. It was a good life, you're happy with it. Your last thought is a good one. Your last thought. I can't say I know for sure, but I think it would feel eternal. It would be the last thing you thought of. The last thing that went through your mind. It wouldn't end, because nothing else would begin... You know? I don't know how to explain it. So I hope that makes sense. Now picture yourself looking back at a miserable life. Riddled with regret. Why did you walk out on your highschool girlfriend after getting her pregnant? What does your child look like? You never even saw him. Your last words to your mother were "Go fuck yourself," more than 6 years ago now. You're last thoughts, last emotions, would be misery, sadness, remorse. The last thing you experience. Hell.

I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe theres a man who plans out every little twist of our lives before we're born. Maybe the constant contradictions in Christianity is part of the magic. Maybe there's a scary red man with a pitchfork and a tail waiting to torture you for being bad in the center of the earth. I personally think it sort of sounds like a fairy tale, but if it's going to lead you to be a good, content, happy person, then, no matter how silly it sounds to me, I think that there is nothing better than believing in everything Christianity or Judaism (and/or Islam? I dunno.) has to offer. The thing that's scary and sad for me is the idea that there are people that are scared into it. Scared into submiting to a belief, essentially, that very well might not be right for them. "Accept Jesus as your savior so you don't go to Hell!" Y'know? But to each their own. I guess theres nothing I can do about it. Haha.

Christianity isn't the only religion, I know. But it's the general religion of the community I was raised in, so I've had ample opportunities to learn about it, and time to form opinions on it, decide on my beliefs.

I've actually done a lot of reading on Buddhism too, I really like the sound of it, though, as with probably just about every religion, there are certainly some aspects that I don't entirely buy into or agree with.

So am I religious? Well, I don't know how to answer that one. It depends entirely upon how you define religion. Faith? I have plenty of that. Faith in love, faith in goodness, faith that there is always hope. There is always reason for hope. No matter how miserable and dismal and impossible somethign might seem, and it seems like there is nothing to believe in, there is always hope. No matter how painful it might be, no matter how hard it is to always hope for the best, and know things will get better... It is the only way. I understand that. Can this be defined as religion? Maybe, maybe not. But that's my religion. My religion is hope, my religion is faith, my religion is knowing wretched, hopeless things can always be beautiful. Just look through different eyes. Look with love. Look with hope.

What I Ate Today,

I know that I sometimes wonder what all other fruitarians and/or raw vegans eat in a day. I guess this is partially because I eat a lot - I'm always hungry! Haha..and I can't help but wonder if I'm eating like boatloads more than everyone else and there's something wrong with me.

So, if you've ever, like me, found yourself wondering... I want to share what I'll eat in a day.

So, what follows is the what a fruitarian, 5'2, 103lb, 15-year-old girl eats (more or less) in a day.

• 2 Cucumbers
• 3 Tomatoes
• 1 Zucchini
• 3 Avocados
• 1 Mango
• 2 Kiwi

I ate that over the course of the day, of course - not all at the same time, haha. I'd add when I ate everything - but I honestly don't remember. I just eat when I'm hungry.

Oh..and I find I eat a lot of vegetable fruits in comparison to sweet fruits... I don't know why this is - I just find that I'm more inclined to eat them in a larger proportion. If I started feeling the need to eat nothing but sweet fruits - I really wouldn't hesitate.

My body knows what it needs... As does yours - If you listen, you'll feel it begging for what it really wants: Fruit.

☺

Fresh, Creamy, Noodle-Like Goodness

There's another recipe I want to share. This stuff's delicious, and so simple - I make it all the time.

As always with fruitarian recipes, there are only a few delicious, wholesome ingredients! Here's what you'll need:

• 1 Cucumber
• 1 Tomato
• 1/2 Avocado
• A squeeze of Lemon Juice

Preparation is pretty simple as well:

For the cucumber:

I simply slice it with a julienner, to get nice, perfect sized little cucumber noodles. You could also use a veggie slicer or mandolin, and then the noodles yourself the long way, with a knife.

Note: For a different, more gourmet, thick, and filling (less fresh and light) version, try zucchini in place of cucumber. Prepare same way.

OR make the recipe with raw spaghetti squash. Again it's a different flavor and texture, but still delicious.

Tomato:

Just dice it.

Sundried tomatoes are also good, especially with the zucchini - it adds to the gourmet flavor, I think.

Avocado:

Cut it in half, remove skin, mash it up. Add lemon juice, optional pinch of salt (and other spices if you want) and any other spices you may want to add (I sometimes throw in some chili pepper - It adds to the zucchini, or spaghetti squash version quite nicely).

Assembly:

Just toss everything together in a bowl, mix it up, and enjoy!

Easy, quick, and soo yummy!

Reminder To Myself

He doesn't listen. He has no will to learn, no interest in what others have to say. He won't have intellectual conversations, with anybody. He doesn't seem to give a shiit what someone older or more experienced has to tell him, or share with him. People try to help him and he actually seems to put effort into making you feel like you are burdening him by talking to him, and that he would prefer to be anywhere but where he is, he'd rather be doing anything but learning. He doesn't seem to take interest in anything. Specifically, anything real, anything that matters. He really, honestly seems to have no interest in the world around him. His own narrow world is all there is to him.

It freaks me out. There are people like this, who just don't care.

And...this is my brother. My own blood. He grew up in the same environment I did. With a father who has always encouraged us to think and gather our own information. In a household where we have been encouraged to have our own opinions. Joe has been raised in a world where he is encouraged to think, and he still somehow ended up..like he is.

What about children who grow up in a home not conducive to thinking and learning? I can't imagine it. The world would be so different. You know, I never really thought about it before. I always see the world through my eyes. Through my circumstances.

"We do not see the world as it is - we see the world as we are."

-Anais Nin

I know I need to empathize. I know it's not their fault, I shouldn't look down on these people. But I don't like it. It's frustrating, and it drives me crazy that I put all this effort into making things better for those less powerful than I...and there are so many others that just don't care.

But I can't look down on people him for caring less than me, for valuing education and intelligence and learning less than me. I can't look down on people for not being passionate and opinionated and wanting to save the world like I do. I can't be angry at people for not being me.

Olive Oil

Well, I grew up in a family that loves olive oil. As a kid, we used it on our breadsticks rather than butter. We always cook with oil over any kind of animal fat. I often heard about how good it is for you, how it contains so many vitamins and things that your body needs. Well, it is certainly healthier than butter. But does that mean that it is an ideal component of our diet?

Up until a few weeks ago, I thought so. Then, I saw something on Durianrider's blog. He points out that essentially, eating olive oil is basically pouring pure fat into your body. While I don't completely agree with him about it being 'refined' (It's really as refined as fresh squeezed orange juice, if you think about it), I did think his assertion that it slows you down and makes you more sluggish and kinda just clogs up your system was an interesting one.. I honestly couldn't find a lot of information about it, but I decided to try cutting out olive oil anyhow, just to see if what he said held true.

Well, it's been a few weeks now since I've had olive oil. I find that I need to eat a lot more (makes sense, because I'm not eating all the extra calories from the fat, but other than that - I feel so much more energetic and awake, and just generally more alive. I don't know why this is, and I haven't found any research supporting this really. But I haven't felt the need to add it back to my diet yet, so, though I'm not entirely sure yet, I do think I plan upon removing olive oil permanently from my diet...and I invite anyone else who might be inclined to give this a shot as well.

Almost Fruitarian.

Dad was never entirely on board with my being fruitarian. He thinks it's too restrictive, he's afraid I'll become malnourished, whatever. He never just told me that I couldn't do it though. Maybe because he respects me and my ability to make my own decisions, maybe because he knows that I'm stubborn and that would make me that much more determined to do this.

I've always had a problem with him drinking coffee, though. And the manipulative bastard knows this (haha). So, he made a deal. If I added vegetables back to my diet, he would quit coffee. After some haggling (you could say) and some discussion... We arrived at a decision. He will quit coffee, I will add vegetables that do not cause the death of the plant back into my diet (things like kale leaves, herbs, etc).

As much as I would like to follow a 100% fruitarian diet, and I resent the fact that I am manipulated into giving this up, I certainly don't feel that greens will do an extensive amount of harm to my health, and I believe that to borrow a leaf from an arugula plant is far less destructive than to destroy the life of a coffee tree before it has even had a chance... Not to mention that Daddy will certainly be so much healthier without coffee in his life.

So I guess, though I am hesitant, it is a good trade, and it is something that, though it feels a little corrupt and wrong...I can be happy in, in a way.

So, a week from now, I will be 'almost fruitarian.'

I want to be clear though. I still believe fruit is the natural diet for humans. We are frugivores. I am being held in this limbo against my will. If you are in a position where you are free to switch to a diet of all fruit, do it. Do it, you frugivore!

Popeye.

Admittedly, I am too young to have ever watched it myself - but I was listening to mom and dad reminisce about it last night, and I realized something.

He was totally vegan. Or at least vegetarian.

And the show, the original write up or whatever - had to be produced by vegans. 'Popeye - strong to the finish because he eats his spinach,' (or something like that). His best friend's name was Wimpy, and he was gluttonous and ate hamburgers and stuff all the time. There was another guy guy who's last name was 'Hamgravy.' He was kind of lazy, and prefers not to earn his money honestly. (Haha. Reminds me of the meat industry.) Olive Oyl (aka, Olive Oil) was thin and portrayed as super attractive, to the best of my knowledge.

The subliminal message? Meat eaters are weak, lazy and gluttonous. Healthy plant-derived products make you strong and attractive.

I think it's really cool that, back in that time period especially, there were already people who seemed to support the idea that vegetables are much healthier than meat products, and didn't buy into the meat industries insistence that meat makes you big and strong and you need it to be healthy.

I suppose maybe I'm over thnking, and reading a lot more into the show than the writers intended - but I'd like to doubt it.

Christmas In March;

She woke up and everything outside her window was covered in white. It blanketed the ground and clung to tree branches, causing them to sag lower than normal. If it weren't for a row of grayish trees in the distance, it would have been almost impossible to tell where land stopped and sky began. Branches of the tall pine trees that lined her long driveway waved in wind that seemed to get stronger the further up she looked. Every once in a while, gravity would reach up and pull a pile of snow from somewhere high in the tree down to earth. She watched the brilliant white powder drop from a branch and plummet towards the fluffy, inviting snow beneath it, waiting to cushion its fall.

Giggling and jumping up and down excitedly, the girl rushed downstairs to throw on her snow things. She hurriedly piled them on until she looked like a giant, colorful marshmallow, then waddled awkwardly but enthusiastically out into the snowy wonderland that Mother Nature had waited until March to produce.

The cold breeze made her eyes water a little. Her cheeks brightened with color, and with every step, she sank deeper and deeper into the snow. The tiny flakes that continued to float down from the sky blew blew pleasantly into her face, and stuck to her eyelashes and rosy cheeks before melting and forming tiny water droplets that clung to her warm skin; she stuck her tongue out and was delighted by the fresh, watery taste that the snowflakes left in her mouth.

Snow had arrived a few months late in the dairy state, but finally, on March 3rd, winter had begun.