Sunday, December 4, 2011

A Bit On Purity..

Well, I'm a virgin. Technically. But, in good friend Brittany's words... "I've had girl sex before."

With a girl who I am completely in love with. When we started engaging in sexual activity, I guess I wasn't. Couldn't have been, I'd say - I was 14, and had been with her for a good... Week or so. But I do know that I trusted her, more than any guy I'd ever been with. And I guess when it comes down to it, that's why I never got close to anyone before her. It definitely turned out..well, perfect. At least from my point of view today, about 9 months later.

I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't started going out with her, if I woulda had sex and regretted it or whatever by now.. I dunno. But I do know I am absolutely, so glad that she was the first person I was ever with the way I am. First, I am so glad that my first (and, in a perfect world, she'll be my only!) was with someone who really, genuinely cares about me, and loves me, and also who I care about so much, and love back. Secondly, I love that..she was the first one with me. I saved myself, no one else had ever been where she was, seen me the way she had, known me the way she did. I can give myself to her in whole...she doesn't have to share it with someone else, some douchebag that I regret, and who I don't even know anymore. I love that.

But this weekend...a couple days ago, she was telling me about some of the guys she'd slept with. I had asked her how she felt after losing her virginity, and the conversation just kinda lead into it. She told me about the first guy she slept with, and then the 2 times after that they'd had sex..and then a few other guys she'd slept with, and it honestly didn't bother me. At least, it bothered me verrry little. But then, she started talking about girls shed been with... Now, I'd always known about her and her ex, the first girl she was ever with, who was pretty much horrible to her. I knew that they'd done things, but it never really bothered me; I don't know why. Maybe just because she loved her. She was really important to her, and a big part of her life; more than just sex. But this weekend, she told me about another girl, this one she just had a one night stand with. She recounted how they'd fooled around in the shower...the bed..the kitchen...and at least 4 other places that I don't even remember, all in 2 days time. I don't know why this bothers me so much, when the other stories don't; I mean, I know that I'm special, and she doesn't have feelings for any of the people she's been with in the past, including this chick...But somehow it really bothers me, the idea that she's had her fingers inside another girl, some random girl; this girl's tongue was probably in places that mine hasn't been. And it was probably better than mine could be, seeing as I have so little experience..and chances are this girl kinda knew what she was doing..

I am glad she tells me about her past though. I'm glad she's not a person that hides things away, tries to shelter me, pretends it never happened.. I guess I just never thought that the virginity of my partner would matter to me too much.....but I guess I never really though about it too much at all..

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