When I Die,

I don't want to be embalmed! I don't want to be cremated!

I want to be dumped right back into the ground, where my energy and my matter can rejoin the earth...and the unverse!

I don't want my energy to be used up in a silly, human-induced fire! And NO horrible chemicals in me, please.

Why would somebody want their physical human form to last forever (thousands of years..), seperate from the rest of...everything? That doesn't sound peaceful. I don't want to extend my ego while I'm alive - much less, it doesn't need to be encouraged when I'm dead! I realize I am nothing but a small part if the universe.

But it is not and never has been me against the universe. It is not me and the universe. I AM the universe.

And when this is realized, death becomes so much more than the end of my consciousness.

And after I am dead, I wish for my physical form to rejoin the incredible, ever-changing, ever-moving infinity that is the universe. Disperse my atoms, let my energy go to a thousand different places. May the matter that makes me one day be a bird. A hundred plants. New, beautiful people. And eventually, cosmic dust. Meteors. Stars. Planets. Life forms so far away that the human race will never be able to reach them.

That sounds so much better than sitting in a box in the ground, stuffed full of chemicals. Don't you think so?

Posted via DraftCraft app

Sleep Is Not Coming

It's dark.

Sleep is not coming tonight so I lay here in thought instead.

What is life if not to be happy?

Carly makes me happy.

Sometimes frustrated.

Sometimes tears.

Why?

Do I want this?

Can I balance my spiritual life?

The two cannot coexist.

I know, but not why.

Can I feel fulfilled following either?

Rebirth must exist.

Rebirth is the only way to feel peace.

Drift to sleep, almost.

Hands. I cannot think of anything but my hands.

They feel weightless.

They feel tingly and weak and immobile and useless.

What is this.

I hate this feeling.

Jolt awake suddenly.

Shake hands, feeling is gone - kind of.

Must sleep again.

Hands.

No!

Again.

Feel trapped, imprisoned.

"This too shall pass..."

Moment of panic.

I know what to do.

Hurry to bathroom.

Light is surprising.

Cold water - splash face, cover body.

Floor is wet, doesn't matter.

Look up.

Reality is different, it seems altered.

Drugs?

This is a dream.

This cannot be a dream.

What is going on?

Chills.

Hurry back to bed, cover with sheet.

Now I will sleep.

No.

Facebook.

Eyes scream for sleep. I will try.

Heat. No escape. Breathing constricted, sweat. The world presses in on me.

I'm crazy.

Turn on light.

Sleep is not coming tonight so I will write instead.

I Miss You.

I miss you.

I didn't yesterday,

Or the day before...

But I'm weak today.

As thoughts of you flood my mind,

Everything else fades away.

I need to feel your lips,

I need to see your face,

I need to know you're still here...

I need your arms to bring me home tonight.

The girl that didn't bother me yesterday

Has reduced me to a jealous,

Insecure teenager today.

Break her heart,

And remind me that you love me.

Tell me I'm the only one you want.

Forgive me for my selfishness...

I need you to be mine tonight.

Untitled

An empty room.

Just me, him, and a mattress on the floor.

He shuts the door.

Flicks off the light...

I feel his large, warm hand on my back

Guiding me toward the bed.

His voice whispers sweet words

As downstairs, I hear the voices and laughter of my friends -

Still drinking and partying.

I feel his hot breath on my neck.

He plays with my shirt.

Fingers touch skin,

Sending jolts of apprehension

And confusion

Through me.

Can I do this?

His lips draw close to mine.

She broke up with me. I'm free to do what I want.

I turn my head away at the last moment.

I could never live with myself.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

He pushes my hair from my face

And gently kisses my cheek.

Feels like the worst kind of betrayal.

I don't want to hurt her.

But I don't leave.

There is something comforting

In his strong arms around me.

Something reassuring

In being wanted badly enough that he stayed

And kept trying to seduce me.

I knew come morning,

This would be a regret.

But tonight,

It was what I needed.